Jesus Christ, Silicon Valley

Jesus. Jesus, Jesus Christ.

What Your Profile Picture Says About You (Hint: "You're a Douchebag")

Warning: this post contains graphic imagery of pricks, cunts and assholes.

I have a new favorite douchebag profile pic: Enthralling My Fucking Audience. This one is phenomenal; you’ve probably seen it somewhere amongst your fucking friends. It’s where a Very Important Dbag (VIDb) is captivating above-mentioned audience solely through the power of his personal presence.

Jesus Christ, the fucking hubris. The fucking insane, idiotic hubris.

Examples culled from an eleven-second scrub of Facebook:

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These are actual profile pictures intentionally uploaded by actual humans.

The above were retrieved from a single individual’s Facebook friends, which is totally unsurprising. Profile photo douchebags — not unlike regular douchebags because they are regular douchebags — stick together.

(Note: groups of dbags can be described using a few commonly accepted terms: “flock of cocks,” “kindling of fucksticks,” or “those stupid cunts who think their online game/to-do list/social-media-monitoring tool is changing the world.”)

What in holy hell motivates someone to upload this type of picture as a representative photo? LinkedIn I conceivably get as an unsubtle attempt at resume-bolstering — “I am competent enough to speak to a crowd of idiots; love/hire me.” — but popping this on Facebook, where your “friends” are, exudes such look-at-me desperation I almost feel as sorry for these jackholes as I do anyone who has to come into direct human contact with them.

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Prior to EMFA my favorite cocktard profile pic was the Thoughtful Humanist. The TH captures a VIDb lost in thought about the perils and possibilities of our world:

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"Goddamn, I am so pensive in sepia. Also don’t forget to crop the Starbucks so people think I’m drinking Philz.”

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The Brothers Cockamazov

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"Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. There are more legitimate reasons."

You can heighten the dbaggery of the Thoughtful Humanist with the variant Cut-Off Thoughtful Humanist (COTH), which indicates a level of profile picture curation that belies any claim of modesty, before or ever again, in a VIDb’s life:

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Uninterestingly, cut-off but looking at camera elicits a milder amount of vomitus:

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But then you keep cropping, and, suddenly, fuck you:

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I’ve yet to — and never will care to — determine the algorithm, but there is a mathematical relationship between one’s douchebaggery and facial angle from camera. I’m sure some Big Data asshole will Hadoop that shit up for me and then end up in YCombinator, but generally it peaks between 45 and 90 degrees, reducing as the stupid douchebag face gets less prominent:

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Left: 110-degree partial-douchebag who’s never surfed in his life. Center: 90-degree Euro mugshot douchebag. Right: 195-degree saggy-ass douchebag gazing at his private airport or some other ridiculous shit.

There are so many ways to express your inner douchebag… by expressing your outer douchebag. The Valley never ceases to amaze with its creative ways of being a cunt.

I’ve a huge list — from Me and My Hot Wife, to Young Me (Fat), to Me and My Ugly Wife — but I’ll highlight just a couple additional ‘faves’ before I pop an aneurysm.

Caricature / Drawing / Pixel Art

Christ, get over your fucking virtual self. These taint-grazers somehow think a Nintendo Mii or Farmville avatar is (a) novel in the least, (b) cute, or (c) the new-media equivalent of a Journal hedcut. It’s actually: (d) the new-media equivalent of the teenager at Great America who draws your ass on a T-shirt.

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My favorite of these are the out-of-the-box Photoshop filters. These — I guess? — are meant to demonstrate a combination of new-media proficiency and artistic flair, but instead convey that you are able to successfully torrent Photoshop (and edit your ‘hosts’ file to bypass Adobe’s shit copy-protection) or steal the license key from a prior employer, and then click some random shit.

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Left: Filter > Sharpen > Enhance Douchestroke. Right: Filter > Artistic > “I’m Feeling Cunty!”

Life of the Fucking Party

This is the intermarried cousin of the Thoughtful Humanist (not unlike most actual parents of Thoughtful Humanists), intent on driving home the inexhaustible, ejaculatory zeal of our VIDb.

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“Not only do I enjoy creating and/or experiencing humor, I have photographic proof. I am funny, I love life, children fucking love me, by God. Oh, sweet existence!”

(Note: if you write “children fucking love me” 20 or so times, at least once you will accidentally write “children love fucking me.”)

The irony here, of course, is that you don’t tell someone you’re funny, just as you don’t tell someone you’re a stupid arrogant prick. You show them. Like these nozzles.

"My Amazing Douchebag Life"

MADbL finds the douchebag in incredible places: aboard the Vomit Comet, in a cockpit mid-flight, atop Mount Everest, jacking off a thoroughbred, whatever.

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Look ma, no tact!

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In a few years these will be equivalent to “me on a Segway” pics, i.e., nonexistent.

I’ll make an exception and name one of my subjects, because he is such a tremendous cockdog — seriously, read this pompous motherfucker’s profile about his fucking iPhone, then look me in the eye and tell me his mother is proud, really. Anyway, it’s Dave Morin again, and his MADbL has him carving through 47 inches of “pow-pow” or whatever he surely calls it:

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That’s from Facebook, where by all accounts it’s acceptable to be a showoffy cuntbag. Fine. But while we’re here, let’s look at the pic he uses on his own photo-sharing app, Path — which is Facebook but for your “real” friends/family/fellow sack-sniffing jackholes:

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That’s right! The goddamn Thoughtful Humanist. And he looks to be in the midst of an on-stage interview, so it’s an improbable (and yet, somehow, all too probable) Thoughtful Humanist Entertaining His Fucking Audience. Jesus. Even for his ostensible actual friends he can’t just pick a snapshot of him smiling at a fucking camera. Is this a new kind of Valley allergy? Are these nad-rags carrying around Epi-Pens to jam into their thighs in case they accidentally stare directly into a lens?

Fuck me. A lesson for you petty, self-obsessed cowards:

What’s interesting — well, “interesting” is stretching it, but you’re a flock of thoughtless, jock-sniffing, lucre-chasing technosheep, so it’s probably interesting to you — is that the least amount of profile picture douchebaggery accompanies the most successful (which is to say, the richest) people.

This is largely due to the delta between one’s wealth and the relative insignificance of a fucking profile picture — when you have a billion dollars the bar for douchebag is set a little higher — but it’s also because these people really don’t have to give an ounce of shit about you. And the “you” here is ANY FUCKING PERSON ALIVE OR DEAD. So they upload whatever the fuck they want.

And what is that? Smiling at the fucking camera… like a regular fucking human being.

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You conceited fucks, even though you can’t change your shitbag ways — pretend to have a modicum of discretion and self-restraint. Follow your rich idols in at least this one legitimate area:

  • Bill’s photo is probably staged, but still — it’s a near-candid, and he’s looking at camera, and he’s got that fucking goofy autistic smile, and it’s about as normal as that guy gets.
  • Reid’s got a pro headshot, but it’s not even in goddamn focus. Moreover, Jesus, he’s just so enormous that it removes any sheen of professional bluster whatsoever. 
  • Sheryl runs the fucking company and can’t be bothered to upload a picture with high enough resolution to hit the 168 pixel-width of the New Profile. And she picks of all things a random shot cropped from a group photo. Why? Because she doesn’t need you to love her for her profile pic.

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That said, it’s one with someone else’s shoulder Photoshopped out — so she clearly cares more than these other guys.

(Probably something to do with being a chick.)

  1. omg-photo reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    #unabashedly
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  6. techandmedia reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    Yes. I have a picture that may qualify as being VIDbery. But who cares. This is an awesome read.
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  9. agentfoo reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    What if your Twitter pic is a Muppet version of you? What then!?
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  13. eexlebots reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    AHAHAHAHAHA