TL;DR: Fuck you.
The world — by which of course I mean tech “journalists” who earn a living making the Valley feel like it deserves reportage — seems to care about Google Glass, the idiotic new wearable computer from Mountain View.
(The actual world couldn’t give two shits about such a fey, ludicrous nonessential, but that as usual doesn’t stop anyone around here from thinking this is valid life’s work.)
Now I say “idiotic” not out of the typical ironic tech-envy that permeates the Valley, but because I’ve seen Glass in person, perched atop the literal douche-nozzles of Kool-Aid-drunk Google employees.
I have to admit that my initial reaction upon seeing a pair was indeed one of childlike wonder. As in, “I wonder what will happen if I kick this guy in the nuts?”
(Incidentally, this is the world we live in, where rich cock-jockeys sporting techno-eyewear is news. Look at that little guy in the middle, coiffed so perfectly for his big photo-op and taking his little gadget as seriously as the world-changing technology it is. “I’d fuck me,” he seems to be saying — automatically translated by his stupid glasses into Portuguese or some shit.)
Some ‘edgy’ tech bloggers have used the term “glasshole” to describe these early-adopting dongle-schlobbers, because it allows them theoretical judgmental distance while remaining just cutesy enough to not sacrifice their intense bloodlust for actually being able to unbox a pair.
I prefer: “embarrassing overcompensated retards who need something to flaunt while their Tesla is charging.”
These Glass-sporting scrota would have you believe we’re destined for a world where information is at our fingertips — by which they mean not at your fingertips at all, as it already is — but stapled to the side of your head and interjecting its worthy informationality into your eyeball every second of the day.
Let me bone-conduct this straight to your inner ear: We’re not.
In my groundbreaking post on profile photo douchebags, I compared Glass to the Segway, and the comparison rings true even today, nearly two weeks later. Segway ignored the fact that Americans (and the American-influenced) are unwilling to pay for their laze. Costco provides free scooters for me to roll my fat ass around in — why would I need a Segway? (And how would I hold all my free samples?) Segway ignored that for most Americans, the rare times when they walk are considered workouts.
And Segway ignored the fact that they were making a scooter, for Christ’s sake.
Similarly Glass ignores our capacity for multi-anything. Lord knows we have the willingness, especially in the Valley — God help anything that stands in the way of a tech-nerd consuming his handcrafted, custom-filtered, bespoke news feed — but at some point even a morally destitute society such as ours demands actual human interaction with the humans actually standing in front of you, creepy and Asperger-y as most of them may be.
The Segway has its place. Underneath mall cops. Helping American tourists see the ruins of Rome quickly enough to still make their reservation at Bubba Gump’s. Or if you’re playing Segway Polo like a fucking jackass. (The existence of Segway Polo, by the way, is responsible for more Muslim extremism than cruise ships, Vegas and the Lap-Band combined.)
Likewise, Glass could be useful augmenting specific, heads-up-display-friendly tasks. Air traffic control. Helping police on a manhunt so they can keep up with the very latest from the Tweetstream. And for rich cunts who want to film their snowboarding escapades at five times the price and half the resolution of a GoPro.
Everyone else, just look down at your fucking phone.
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