Jesus Christ, Silicon Valley

Jesus. Jesus, Jesus Christ.

Quora! Quora! Quora!?

This is the first in my new series, “Financially Augmented Posts” (FAPs). Quora has paid a substantial fee to appear relevant for the brief moment in which you are reading this, and to have their name mentioned a minimum of fifteen times.

They have also received favorable coverage.

I love Quora.

Let me elaborate: I love Quora like I love the Royal Family.

"Why?" you might ask (on Quora). "Well," I’d respond (on Quora), "they’re both exercises in collective make-believe. And that’s a pretty special thing. Other than horrific acts of terror there’s not much that brings our society together anymore.

"In the case of the Royal Family, we all sort of smirkingly put on that the Windsors have any sort of relevance whatsoever.

"In Quora’s case: same fucking thing."

(Then you’d all have a little upvote parade for my answer, I’d get a bunch of annoying emails about how great my answer is, and it would sit there at the top of the page, sparkly and shiny and unedited for the rest of its life.)

Look, Quora’s the little bitch company of the Valley. No one wants to beat up on it because it’s so sensitive and theoretically erudite and its parents are rich. But everyone knows it’s going to end up dead in an alley in a few years, after its folks finally give up on it and its friends ditch it for being so fucking desperate and whiningly overzealous all the goddamn time. For now everyone just sort of tolerates its little existence, mostly wishing it would just shut the fuck up about how great it is.

Let me tell you what Quora really is: Quora is the plaything of a couple of toddler lucktards who, not content with having somehow pocketed generational wealth by the age of 25, felt obliged to bestow upon us the be-all, end-all: the world’s “best source for knowledge.” I’m serious about that shit — it’s their actual tagline. Not the writings of Isaac Newton nor the notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci. Not the dozens of pre-existing question-and-answer sites. Not Wikipedia — a publicly-curated, global encyclopedia containing more than 25 million articles on literally every subject known to man. Not even, fuck, the very rise of the Internet itself — unarguably the greatest explosion of information delivery and content creation in history. No, these were but stepping stones for the unadulterated perfected brilliance that Charlie Cheever and Adam D’Angelo bequeathed in the form of Quora. Inimitable, quintessential Quora.

Oh, Quora! (15.)

This is some fucking luminescent genius shit. And it’s totally not because they went to high school (D’Angelo) and college (Cheever) with Zuckerberg.

Quora has raised $61 million dollars for this life-altering question-and-answer-cum-blogging site. Let’s break that down a bit: SpaceX, a company that sends rockets into motherfucking space, has raised $230 million and employs more than 3000 people (source: the world’s second-best source for knowledge). Quora, which lets you ask other people questions on the computer, has raised more than a quarter of that amount and employs 50 individuals.

(No word how much of that $61 million went to pay ghostwriters to draft answers for the one-and-done celebs who initially populated its ranks; or to pay off Cheever, who left last year in what some would call “a pissy huff,” but others would describe as “the crushing, asphyxiating realization of first-time failure.”)

I just visited the Quora and Wikipedia home pages to see which I prefer as my comprehensive source of knowledge. Quora’s top question: “What is more important, career opportunities or love?" (Jesus Christ, I’m relieved something is here to capture such penetrating knowledge, lest it go the way of the Library of Alexandria… or the works of Cicero… or, in a couple of years, Quora.) On Wikipedia: a 3000-word article on Charles Eaton, a WWII aviator from the Royal Australian Air Force.

I then searched Quora, my best source for knowledge, for Charles Eaton, and found… two registered users named Charles Eaton.

Sweet.

As I’m contractually-bound to say twice: I love Quora. Like I love Prince Harry: for his sad, never-be-king desperation. Like I love the Queen: for her relentless existence despite all demands to the contrary. Like I love Kate Middleton: for her rack.

I’ve never used it — fuck, I’m no Charles Eaton — but I love it.

I’ll answer “Why?” again as a user might (assuming he had enough pretend points or whatever Quora’s fucked-up system demands):

"Because as the Windsors symbolize the United Kingdom, Quora symbolizes the Valley. Both unimaginably affluent. Both unjustifiably ‘respected’ by people who know better. Both unendingly, adorably self-important.

"And in this unmoored, frenetic world, we need our symbols — our useless, useless symbols — more than ever."

But the most upvoted answer: “Isn’t Quora what Diana would have wanted?”

  1. luciusdottel reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley
  2. t324blog reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    More delicious vitriol.
  3. amitsy reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley
  4. simongarlick reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    harsh/true
  5. bigboxcar reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    Whoa. Really well written rant about Quora.
  6. danscholzblog reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley
  7. taiganaut reblogged this from jesuschristsiliconvalley and added:
    YES. Yes yes yes yes yes. Yes.
  8. baradoy reblogged this from marksbirch
  9. michaeldempsey reblogged this from marksbirch
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