You’ve probably heard the news. No, you’ve definitely heard the news, because it’s Monday and you’ve been reading tech blogs all day, slowly burning your investors’ money. “Keeping tabs on the industry,” of course.
Anyway. I’m proud and elated and effervescent (and really fucking loaded) today after having been acquired by Yahoo!
Goddamn, what a moment for me.
First things first: I’m really excited about the vague possibilities and theoretical amazing shit that could potentially be done as a result of my life-changing acquisition. Fucking YES. Were someone to care, there’s some incredible shit that could probably happen with this.
(In fact there are likely some poor bastard Yahoo! employees who are starting to have to care about it right now, and who may even be evaluated based on the success of this merger — in some alternate Silicon Valley where consequences exist.)
But not me. Fact of the matter is acquisitions usually happen just to show shareholders (and the vaunted Hacker News community of overwrought dorks with stupid opinions) that management is doing something. And, well: I’m the motherfucking beneficiary of such sickening largesse.
(Go search for that last line on RapGenius. It’s a Jay-Z lyric — from the future. I’m going to pay his ass to record it for me, and I’ll pay Beyonce to watch. Then the three of us will garrote the RapGenius founders for being such cunty little cumdrops they make Dave Morin look approachable.)
Really, though, we are all part of this acquisition: you, the faceless, nameless, thoughtless readers. Me, the guy who did some shit and made enough money to buy a 747 free-and-clear. Together we did this. Alone I will spend my money.
I have to admit: there’s a bit of legitimate interest in what may come from the Yahoo! era. But really 99.99999% of my excitement is that I never have to lift a finger again in my life. Seriously: that’s not even subtext anymore, it’s the glorious fucking supertext. Sure, our “shared vision” is important — it’s what motivated my scrub employees who thought .002% of my company was worth taking a half-salary — but for me it’s the fucking money. I, and my future children, and their children, and their blinded-by-entitlement children in turn, will now cease to worry about pretty much everything you worry about. Mortgages? Nope. College? Fuck no. Cars, bills, vacations? Nope, nope, nope. The only thing to concern us will be staving off our eventual extinction as long as possible, all the while enjoying the fruits of my months of labor.
In the meantime, whatever I want: mine. You want to talk excitement? That’s excitement. I just Amazon Primed a fucking speedboat.
I’m also officially excited to tell you that Marissa Mayer is not the raging bitch-ass disaster that all of her former and current employees say. Nor is she a “stunning, colossal display of the idiocy that emerges when you’re constantly propped-up by a foaming charade of sycophants after being a well-timed early Google employee.” Marissa is an exceptional leader, partner and friend, and you can quote me on that until my earnout expires.
Most importantly, nothing you know and love about this site is going to change. Nothing. Yahoo! bought us out of pure corporate munificence, simply to gaze from afar upon the precious collection of pageviews and registered users that we are. Marissa understands, like I do, that we’re not in the business of making money. We’re in the business of pleasing you motherfuckers. We don’t want to make even a dollar until you’ve been so thoroughly jacked-off that the effluence envelops you in a cloud of magnificent orgasm.
And then? Then we’ll throw in some flat fucking design.
But now I need to get back to work — back to this great work we started together. Right after I finish plowing this babe who’s suddenly way more into kinky shit than she was pre-acquisition.
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